One Flew Over America

Post-WWII America was a savage battle between the conservative and liberals, each tugging desperately until the whole damn thing shattered like a piñata, showering the sixties in free love and whatever other excuses they had to take drugs back then. Winding and hollering their way through like uncaged beasts, carried by a wave of unbridled love, hatred and LSD-spiked orange juice was the Merry Pranksters. Not old enough to be hippies and too old to be beatnicks.

Led by the esteemed author of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Ken Kesey, and with Jack Kerouac’s travelling companion, Neal Cassady, behind the wheel these angel-headed hipsters embarked on a road trip across America. Their carriage was a 1939 International Harvester school bus called ‘Further’, coated to the decks with violent and unimaginable patterns of day-glo paint. Their goal was to shove a firework of truth so far up Conservative America’s arse crack, Congress would be singing stars.

Before now, the remnants of this trip survived in Tom Wolfe’s novel, The Electric Kool Aid Acid Test, and over 100 hours of 16mm reels and audio cassettes, recorded on the trip and passed through the projectors of a select few. That was until Oscar-winning director Alex Gibney (Taxi To The Dark Side) teamed up with Alison Ellwood (Gonzo: The Life and Work of Dr. Hunter S. Thompson) to bring the 40-year-old footage to the silver screen, enterMagic Trip.

The film documents the Prankster’s voyage across America from the West Coast to see New York World’s Fair, ‘The World of Tomorrow’ and a glimpse into the dysotopian future many had predicted. Their travels became embedded into American culture as the first time the little known drug LSD was cast so recklessly into the public eye. The hallucinogen had originally been tested by the CIA to use in interrogations but the Pranksters saw it as a creative potion to warp their mental boundaries. Kesey was never a political anarchist, he simply wanted to batter down the doors of perception and see what came out. In his words, “I’d rather be a lightning rod than a seismograph”.

The result, and something captured so intimately in the film, is a band of teaheads with names like Gretchen Fetchen and Mountain Girl, bombed out of their gourds, babbling their way across America. One pastime, ‘tootling the multitudes’. was to take acid and sit on top of the bus with a flute, capturing onlookers’ reactions with the notes they played. America didn’t know what hit them, one policeman let them go over after he mistook their outfit for a college prank.

After six years of piecing together the footage captured so brilliantly and haphazardly by the Pranksters, this film promises to be the most immersive view of a group that pioneered America’s cultural charge into the sixties. Famous cohorts of the Merry Pranksters included poet Allen Ginsberg, Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson and the Hell’s Angels Motorcycle Gang.

Director Alison Ellwood commented after first watching the footage, “I felt like I was a kind of ghost passenger sitting on that crazed painted bus. I could smell the fumes, feel the heat of the desert and sense my heart pounding as I barreled across the roads, my life in the hands of a genius/madman behind the wheel”.

London Film Festival: What to Look out for

The most exciting talents from across the film world are flocking to London, as the city hosts the 55th annual BFI London Film Festival. Running from October 12-27th, the festival screens a wide variety of documentaries, shorts and film premieres taken from 55 different countries.

Historically, the festival has been a platform for lesser know pieces of film and is a hotbed of creativity and innovation. Last year, Danny Boyle’s 127 hours closed the festival. Of the 204 features films on show, Palatinate has chosen three highlights, all due for their UK premieres.

360. The festival’s opening film, City of God director Fernando Meirelles constructs a complex narrative that hosts the stories of ten pairs of lovers from different reaches of Viennese society. The film is boosted by the likes of Jude Law and Rachel Weisz, but Anthony Hopkins steals the show as a father burdened with the loss of his daughter while also re-acquainting himself with the world after being released from prison on a rape charge. Meirelles’ ability as a visual storyteller is also showcased and especially as the story travels through some stunning locations, including Rio, Paris and Denver.

We Need to Talk About Kevin. An adaptation of Lionel Shriver’s award-winning novel, We Need to Talk About Kevin is British director Lynne Ramsay’s third film and draws a powerful performance from Tilda Swinton. Swinton plays Eva, who is a mother dealing with the aftermath of her teenage son, Kevin (Ezra Miller) going on a massacre in the local school. Not only does Eva have to come to terms with the personal guilt of weighing her responsibility in the act but is also harassed constantly by aggrieved parents.  Gaunt and psychologically berated, Swinton occupies the screen with a quiet and resigned presence, drawing sympathy but never disinterest.

The Descendants. In his myriad of roles, George Clooney has found unexpected success when flirting with a comical and clumsy side (Burn After Reading). The Descendants sees Clooney return to that role, but against a more emotionally powerful background as Matt King, a Hawaiian lawyer and father of two adolescent girls. King finds himself cast into a fatherly role he was never familiar with when his wife falls into a coma after a water-skiing accident. Sideways director Alexander Payne is at the helm and creates a complex yet personable tale with plenty of emotional reward.

Harry Shocker

This year, 70 second-year Durham students took the plunge and entered the university’s controversial module, ‘Harry Potter and the Age of Illusion’. With a core reading list comprising the seven Harry Potter novels, the module sparkles with lectures such as ‘Love and Death in Harry Potter’ and the eternal question, ‘Four Houses or One?’

Students taking the module are also signing up to the Harry Potter experience. The first lecture saw a recreation of the Sorting Hat Ceremony in Castle’s Great Hall, where participants picked marbles out of a hat to determine what house they would be in. Each lecture is preceded with a rousing rendition of the Harry Potter theme tune through the speakers.

The pioneering intellectual nature of the module has moved Durham’s Pro-Vice-Chancellor, Professor Ray Hudson, to stirring praise. “’Harry Potter and the Age of Illusion’ is a serious and innovative academic module”, he commented.

Unfortunately such enthusiasm has not carried through the ranks and some students taking the module have expressed discontent. “A complete waste of time is probably the most concise summary I can give you”, was the evaluation of one.

This is only the opinion of a disillusioned few, assures the module’s tutor, Dr. Martin Richardson. “External examiners have described the module as ‘inspirational’. Students have said the module is ‘absolutely brilliant’; ‘It was fun, informative and challenging’; and ‘This has been quite possibly the best module I have undertaken in three years of intellectual study’.”

According to some students, there is no shortage of passion on the course. “There are some terrifying people taking the module, they could name you every sweet in ‘Honeydukes’ without pausing for thought” one recalled. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some students owned cats called Crookshanks” added another.

The enthusiasm arguably roots from the module’s tutor, Dr. Richardson, who has been described as a prophetic figure and “definitely one of the most animated tutors I have encountered”. Besides signing his emails off as ‘Gilderoy’, Richardson knowledge of the Harry Potter texts has been depicted as “biblical”.

Prospective employers, however, might not share this interest. Rob Case from sales recruiter, Tomka, suggested it showed the person had little desire to engage with the real world. “I suppose I might contact the candidate just because it’s so wrong that I’d be intrigued to talk to them”.

A judge working in London who has been responsible for looking over legal applicants was more optimistic. “On the basis that the student was able to place this fiction within a wider academic context, I would see the studying of the module as an interesting attribute of any undergraduate,” he suggested.

Durham is one of the first British universities to offer a module devoted entirely to Harry Potter and Hudson believed this was inevitable for Durham. “It is only fitting that a leading university like Durham responds to new development in our academic and wider social and cultural environment. Harry Potter is a culturally iconic phenomenon,” he stated.

It’s inclusion has come under criticism and one Durham student was incensed upon learning of its existence, saying “I am offended that Durham have included this because it makes the university seem like a joke”.

According to Richardson, the module, which is located in the Education department, has undergone Durham’s rigorous academic standards. It has been approved by Durham’s Faculty Teaching and Learning Committee, along with an external examiner. The essays questions posed by the course include, ‘To argue that the Ministry of Magic is a totalitarian regime is misguided’. Discuss.’

Richardson located ‘The Age of Illusion’s’ themes amongst a wider social context; “It allows student to explore in detail a number of contemporary issues, such as prejudice and intolerance, peer pressure, good citizenship and ideals of adulthood.”

Occasionally, one student commented, the links could be quite tenuous, “sometimes when you are being asked to compare the treatment of pure blood wizards and mudbloods with the treatment of Jews in Nazi Germany it can be quite challenging to maintain a serious perspective.”

Durham Police to Hand Out Sweets

Durham students are used to putting a lot of things into their mouths after a night out and now, thanks to a local policed-based initiative, boiled sweets could be added to that list.

Following numerous complaints of rowdy student disturbing the peace after a night on the lash, the Old Bill have devised a scheme to hand out sweets to students to encourage them to be quiet.

The pleasure patrol have amassed a supply of 10,000 fruit-flavored sweets, paid for by a number of organizations includingDurham University, the Durham City Council, and Teikyo University of Japan. The scheme is part of the Safe City campaign and the sweets will feature messages such as ‘Shush’ or ‘Quiet Please’.

One student commented, “it’s a shame such initiatives weren’t conceived before the UK riots in August, it would have saved a lot of damage. Maybe ‘millions’?”

Inspector Paul Anderson reportedly claimed that Durham was a pioneer for the initiative. “We think Durham is the first to include a message aimed at those who might otherwise make a racket.” It seems Durham’s success in the university rankings is finally paying some dividends, with the purple brigade getting ahead of bitter rivals Oxford and Cambridge to land the lucrative confectionary supply.

Durham isn’t the first place sweets and lollipops have been handed out at the end of the night. The South London district of East Croydon is allegedly the first place the scheme was trialed but it was forced to close prematurely, after demand for the sweets became unmanageable.

Anderson lauded the scheme as another point of contact between the police and population. “It also provides another way for officers to engage with students and other revelers when they are out of town.” Other schemes considered included making balloon animals, impressions and magic tricks.

University liaison officers Phil Raine and Paul Coburn will be carrying out the scheme with the support of the local neighborhood policing team. Reports that local ambulances will be using scientifically-modified Curly Wurlys as stretchers are unconfirmed.

For more information, such as what flavours are being considered, contact Phil Raine at: Philip.raine@durham.pnn.police.uk.

Corruption Scandal at Durham Uni

This Friday, the court trial of 71-year-old Cumbrian businessman, Bill Lowther, will commence following accusations that he made corrupt payments for the son of a Vietnamese government official to attend Durham University.

Following global investigations, the Serious Fraud Office has alleged that the packaging magnate helped in securing a place for the son of the previous governor of Vietnam’s state-owned bank, Le Duc Thuy.

These corrupt payments are being linked with Lowther, who allegedly paid the fees and accommodation costs to secure a favorable business contract with the Vietnamese government. He will appear at Southwark Crown Court, London.

The governor’s son and Durham alumni, Le Duc Minh, attended Durham’s business school from 2003-4. The accusations are that his university fees and living costs of over £10,000 were paid for by Lowther through corrupt payments.

Now living in Hanoi, Minh reportedly denied living a life of extravagance at the university, “I believe that none of my school friends or lecturers at Durham ever thought that I looked like a rich boy at school.” He also claims his family covered the payments.

Due to the fact the legal case is on-going, the Durham University press office were unable to comment. It is unclear whether a university representative will be required to give evidence in the case.

In July, Vietnamese local papers reported that Le Duc Thuy had been retired by Vietnam’s prime minister, Nguyen Tan Dung, from his position as State Bank Governor. This was in reaction to revelations that banknote security firm, Securency International, had paid for his son’s education at Durham University.

The case comes after the introduction of the UK Bribery Act in July to cut-down on corruption in the corporate world. The Act will be targeting aspects such as tax evasion and backhand payments to government officials.

Second-year Economics student, Oliver Lubbock has called for the university to employ more vigorous checks on how its fees are paid. “This is a wake-up call to the university that some students may not be here under ethical circumstances and, in that respect, it should be adopting more measures to prevent being linked with similar scandals in the future,” he commented.

‘Why I Left Manchester United’

Ask most boys their childhood dream and walking onto Old Trafford with Wayne Rooney on the flanks to the roar of 76,000 fans is an overriding favourite. Stewing in a packed lecture hall at Elvet Riverside, drawing Demand Curves as last night’s bottle of Tesco Value Gin winds it’s way through your innards, not so much.

But this is the choice that Economics fresher, Ollie Gill, made when he turned down a professional contract for Manchester United, to study Economics at Durham. Ollie, who is the son of the club’s Chief Executive David Gill, was voted the Red Devil’s reserve team player of the year (previous winners include Darren Fletcher and Giuseppe Rossi) and had made the subs bench for a number of United’s outings before opting for a shot at uni life.

Durham One caught up with the 21-year-old Cuths student for a quick chat at the Swan. For someone who spent their formative years in one of the world’s largest football clubs, brushing shoulders with the greats, he was remarkably down to earth. If you were hoping for Durham’s own Super Mario Balotelli, setting off fireworks in the bogs and amassing parking tickets on the Bailey, you might have to wait. He’s still trying to get his gown on. 

What was it like working under the legendary Sir Alex Ferguson, any hairdryer incidents?

It’s funny because Fergie has this reputation for being quite an angry guy but I never saw him lose it. You’d spot him around training and he’d come up occasionally and ask how everything was, especially with the younger players. He gave me a lot of advice on behaviour off the pitch and not indulging too much in the party lifestyle.

How was the United Dressing Room?

It was very professional, there’s a winning mentality and confidence embedded in all the players. You have people like Rio Ferdinand and Wayne Rooney who command a lot of attention and then there’s your Paul Scholes and Ryan Giggs who won’t say much but when they do, everyone listens. There is a huge amount of self belief in the team, I remember when we went in at half-time 2-0 down and Fergie came in and said calmly that if we scored the next goal, we would win. The game finished 3-2 to United.

Why did you choose to come to Durham over a potentially successful football career?

I loved my time at Manchester United but any football player hoping to make it big is taking a huge risk. You hear stories about an injury that ruins a career or people who just don’t make it and succeeding at a team like Manchester United is extremely tough. My future just wasn’t at United. Last year I deferred my UCAS offer to continue playing football but I would have been loaned out this season and I chose to accept Durham instead. Plus, studying Economics at somewhere like Durham gives me a lot more career options. That being said, I haven’t ruled out being a footballer.

Has being the son of Manchester United’s CEO affected your time there?

Not at all, obviously some players will occasionally joke about it but it’s all light-hearted. I read a story somewhere that, during the unrest over the Glazier ownership, some of the fans had turned their attention to me because of my dad’s relationship with the Glaziers.  But everyone who I met was hugely supportive and fortunately I never bumped into any of those red-blooded fans.

What’s it like going from Old Trafford to Maiden Castle?

Well perhaps playing for the Durham first team, the standard is slightly lower but we have a great coach and the training sessions are actually quite similar. There’s a lot less pressure and more of a social element. You go out a lot more as a team whereas with United that was only once or twice a season (The Daily Star will fill you in on more details). Durham have started off well with two wins out of two and promotion is definitely on the cards.

Do you still keep in touch with the United team?

Fergie stays in touch to see how I am and I was friends with people like Darren Fletcher and Wayne Rooney, who could empathise with me as a young player coming up. I have a few of their numbers but some people in my college stole my phone on a night out and started ringing all of them, I think Nani picked up.

Photo by Lucy Swinton

Tequilla Warfare

Newcastle student night and refuge to the Durham tippler, Tequila, is no more after a series of episodes which culminated in a suggestive promotional flyer sparking dissatisfaction among some local residents. Since it’s release onto Tyneside this October the raucous night has run four times and never shied from the spotlight. Last week they gave away a convertible VW Golf to a Newcastle fresher and, previously, two female clubbers had fallen into the river Tyne before being helped out twenty minutes later by police. Some Geordies apparently do drink like fishes.

Most recently, a promotional flyer showing a member of the fairer sex crouched down while champagne spurts from a censored sign where her head is has sparked controversy. When questioned on the flyer the club’s event manager, who gave his name as Tarquin Van De Vaart to Sun journalists, replied honestly. “We at Tequila see no problem with the flyer. it depicts a girl bending over to tie a man’s shoelace while he fires a bottle of champagne over her shoulder. I am astounded that peoples’ minds have become so polluted.”

Unfortunately local residents did not take the image with a pinch of salt. One woman reportedly claimed that the flyer was pushed through her letter box before her young son picked it up. The director of the night’s venue, Riverside, has dissociated himself with the flyers in question and terminated his contract with the promoters. Members of the Newcastle City Council are seeking advice on legal action.

Held every Wednesday at Riverside club on the Tyne waterway, the night has earned notoriety for it’s innovative combination of Tequila and whipped cream, boasting “more naked bodies than For Your Eyes Only Strip Joint at 3am!” According a promoter, they get through 100 cans of whipped cream and 70 bottles of Tequila per night.

In an exclusive chat with Durham One, Tequila’s event manager remained defiant in the prospect of legal pressure. “We got banned by the club because they did not want to lose their licence but we are going to re-open at another club soon.” And if the papers label it as the most debauched student night in the country? “We overtook our rival night by a country mile and had to turn 1,000 people away.” Any press is good press.

According to the manager there are also plans to extend the night to Durham. Reports suggest the Cathedral is interested in hosting the photo shoot for the next flyer.

Police Raid Wine Soc Bus

In scenes akin to downtown Baghdad, a bus carrying guests of the Durham Wine Soc Ball was pulled over by a squadron of five police cars in the early hours of yesterday morning.

The force, including armed officers and a riot van, was called into action after the driver of the bus phoned the police following an incident where a passenger stood up while the coach was in motion. A direct breach of the international coaching standards. 

The incident occurred on the way back from Lumley Castle where the Wine Society was hosting its Christmas Ball. The passenger had stood up to retrieve his dinner jacket but only succeeded in arousing a great anger within the bus driver, who demanded that he leave the bus and face the early morning wilderness of rural Durham.

The passenger doggedly refused and, it was only after the bus driver’s forceful attempts of persuasion failed, that he took it upon himself to call the police. Believing it was a simulated conversation, the passengers of the bus engaged in some mild goading and it was only when a police officer boarded the bus that the driver revealed his hand.

Visiting Bristol student and passenger, Livi Ingleby, was shocked by the sluggish response time of the Durham Police. “If we had an incident this serious in the South then they would at least have the decency to set up roadblocks” she commented.

The enigmatic driver’s identity is a mystery but, upon further research, he was described by a colleague as “just the kind of bastard who would do a thing like that”.

This is not believed to be the first time the police have been summoned on account of this particular driver’s overpowering affinity with the law. Last week, search dogs were dispatched across County Durham after a passenger was alleged to throw his drinks can out the window halfway between Durham and Sunderland.

Due to the raid’s size, rumours have surfaced that the operation had an ulterior motive; for the police to follow up on theirreservations over the Wine Soc president, Ollie Horbye. They have been tracking the oenophile for several months on suspicion of embezzlement, he was last seen speeding to the Home Counties in a green Land Rover with four cases of wine stashed in his boot. The hunt continues. 

The Sex Files

The library; a refuge for the damned, deadlines and, over at Oxford University, a bit of how’s ‘yer father. The university’s illustrious Oriel College was forced to close its library after incidents of students caught having sex, bookcases being moved and books found scattered in the Theology section.

In an exemplary demonstration of British restraint, the Senior Dean Julia Kercheker sent an email to the students saying, “this is not acceptable. The library is not being treated with appropriate consideration.”

Boasting a rich list of alumni, including explorer Sir Walter Raleigh, Oriel College has been forced to close its library during weekends and shut after 5.30pm on weekdays. Prime coital time, by the calculations of the librarian.

Kercheker’s email made reference to the mess in the Theology section as the principle reason for closure, describing the whole affair as a “disregard for the library and its rules and a lack of a sense of responsibility to the community.”

However, inside sources reveal that the main motivation was students being caught by the porter bumping uglies between the bookshelves. The primeval state one enters into under marathon library shifts appears to serve as an aphrodisiac for the blue brigade.

The sordid history of Oriel library comes as no surprise to second-year Oxford student, Fred Alliot. “I had to get a book on political theory from the bookstacks there once, and the combination of seedy lighting and an abundant supply of women’s fiction had me perusing the shelves at half-mast.”

One Oriel student, Robert Flick, was not hit by cupid’s arrow. “It is irritating that some students feel it acceptable to behave in a way that threatens to take the privilege of the library away from all members of college,” he reportedly commented.

While there is suggestion of Oxford’s innovative approach to incorporating sex into student life with their traditional ‘Bump Supper’. This is regrettably a celebratory dinner if a rowing team manages to successfully bump another boat on every day of Eights Week.

There is some semblance of respectability intact for the Durham University Library. Despite suggestive reports of students bringing bedding to their studies, hand shandies in the emergency exit staircase, The One has been reliably informed, are an urban myth.

There are dire consequences for anyone looking to get their leg over in the library warns Deputy Librarian Pete Maggs. “If students want to engage in that behaviour we cannot prevent them, but there is an extremely high-risk of getting caught and we would regard it as a very serious matter.”

Whether this concrete bastion soon falls to sword of the Durham doggers, who have previously restricted themselves to nighttime establishments, is another question.

Durham’s Stripping Sensation

“If Dairylea did strippers, they’d probably look like this”, “I’ll never look at Turkeys in the same way”; this is merely a selection of the heaps of praise lavished upon Durham stripping sensation, Debbie Dumpling. The plus-size performer has become a household name at student house parties and a wholesome alternative to the harlots you might encounter on a bruise cruise round Newcastle. Warn your underpants, mind. It’s quite the show.

According to eye-witnesses, Double D’s act takes on a sporty slant by requiring the lucky participant to perform press-ups on top of her and do sit-ups while she straddles their torso. All rounded off with a can of whipped cream and a shot at motor boating’ her ample bosom. One student recalled, “I imagine it to be a similar experience to waterboarding”.

Of course, if you are deemed to have behaved badly then you can look forward to a good spanking at the hands, and leather belt, of Debbie Dumpling. She also keeps a bottle of moisturizer handy incase you elect to splash out on the extra tenner required to liberate her barrel-like chest from brassiere. These gravity-defying wonders are something to behold but you might not have the chance while she’s lying on top of you, gyrating like a wild banshee.

There is also an element of cheekiness that Dumpling brings to the party. If, say, you’re asked to kiss her ‘dumplings’, you might end up entrenched in the Grand Canyon by way of a firm embrace. “She wields those things like Tomahawks”, commented one student.  However, any cocksmen out there, looking to get a quick leg over, will have to keep Jabba in his Hutt. Her husband allegedly drives her to work.

All of this and more are available to Durham students with minds in the gutter through the door-to-door service offered by the cunningly named www.kissogram-northeast.co.uk. Rather than lure any old stripper down the mountain with a hunk of beef, Debbie Dumpling is a seasoned and reputable performer. If you needed any more convincing, type her name into Youtube.Her most popular events are undoubtedly birthday parties, for the extra-thoughtful present that says you care. And if it does happen to be your birthday? Well, chins up.

Doorstep Defecator Strikes in Leeds

When you open your door in the morning to embrace the new day, you are entitled to expect a gentle and sobering breeze or perhaps a glass milk bottle tucked by your door. Unfortunately for students of Leeds University, some are having to add a coiled turd to that list after a wave of complaints have flooded in about a mystery figure taking a dump on their doorsteps at night. Branded the ‘poopertrator’ by the Leeds student newspaper, this deuce bandit has apparently been laying some brown carpet right under residents’ noses as they sleep at night.

One such victim, Leeds University Linguistics student, Genevieve Osborne-James, reportedly came across the excrement as she was leaving her house in the morning. “You could see where the person had relieved themselves against the wall beforehand and there were scraps of newspaper around, which had obviously been used as toilet paper.” At least the villain had the decency to wipe his own arse,  David Cameron’s Big Society is at least a hygienic one. Albeit with a confused way of showing it.

The local police force have been following through with complaints but there is no sign of the crap count dropping off any time soon. According to sources at Leeds University, the vile act has turned into a serial trend, taking on some form of ritualistic facade with members of the gang seeing it as a way of crowning off a night out.

It was originally proposed the faeces may have been the product of a small woodland creature, such as a fox, but freelance expert Will Beaving confirmed the darkest fears. “Judging from the taste and a brief inspection of the layout, I can conclude this was the work of a human. Admittedly one with moderate dietary issues” he reported.

There has been no evidence as of yet of a copycat operating in Durham but experts have commented that the city could be the Number 2 destination, as the gradient of some student houses offers a favourable angle for would-be poopertrators.

But if you’re planning on firing off the cannon anywhere near Durham doorsteps then plan again is the stern message from DSU Education and Welfare Officer, Scott Parker. “It isn’t big, it isn’t clever and it most certainly isn’t Durham. We haven’t had any reports here at the DSU and long may that continue. Quite frankly, it’s vile.”

Durham One- Guide to Durham’s Gyms

 

The new term is upon us and rolls of fat are clinging to your undercarriage like refugees on a trans-channel Lidl van. What better opportunity then, to flop around in some of Durham’s choicest fitness establishments. Unless you want to enter the Teutonic torture chambers that college gyms resemble, Durham One recommends you look further afield.

Marriot Leisure Club

http://www.marriott.co.uk/hotels/hotel-information/fitness-center/xvudm-durham-marriott-hotel-royal-county/

Location 5/5. Couldn’t ask for better, a stone’s throw from Elvet Riverside.

Price 3/5.  £65 a month for Full Membership (£103 for a double membership), £48 a month for Student Off Peak (facilities can be used from 6 am to 4.30 pm, Monday to Friday). Plus a one-off £25 joining fee.

Facilities 4/5. Proper classy joint with all the markings of a Roman palace; plunge pool, steam room, Jacuzzi, just without the young children swimming around nibbling on your privates (we’ll leave that to one Emperor Tiberius). It’s let down by the below-average gym.

Atmosphere 2/5. Retired policeman and farmers’ wives.

Talent-Spotting 1/5. If watching OAPs massaging ointment between their folds is your thing then you should come here. You should also volunteer for some kind of sex offender’s list, it will save time in the future.

Best for: Post-lecture Jacuzzis.

 

PACE Health Club, Radisson Blu

http://www.radissonblu.co.uk/hotel-durham/services/fitness

Location 2/5. Free parking means this is ideal if you own a car but otherwise you’re looking at a 15 minute walk from the city centre. As soon as you pass the all-you-can-eat Chinese, it’s bandit territory.

Price 3/5. £50 a month.

Facilities 5/5.  Couldn’t ask for a better gym and changing rooms. The Jacuzzi, sauna and steam room also do a job and the tanning booths add some Northern spice.

Atmosphere 4/5. An eclectic mix of hotel guests with some wildlife thrown in- a sight for sorry eyes when squeezed into a bikini.

Talent-Spotting 3/5. The occasional Durham student and (part-time at best) local table dancer.

Best for: Nursing hangovers.

 

Freeman’s Quay

http://www.durham.gov.uk/Pages/Service.aspx?ServiceId=7206

Location 3/5. Down the steps from the Gala Theatres, quite out the way.

Price 4/5. £120 for Michaelmas Term, £95 for Epiphany Term, £100 for Easter Term (all including holidays). £300- Annual.

Facilities 4/5. A decent fitness centre and the largest swimming pool in Durham, if not the cleanest. The changing room is, at times, a mire.

Atmosphere 4/5. There is something about the site of a tattooed Geordie body gliding gracefully through the Centre’s swimming pool that the painted word cannot convey. Watch out for the amber hue the water takes after an old people’s workout class/kids’ swimming lesson. The gym is more relaxed than Maiden Castle’s.

Talent-Spotting 5/5. Some have been known to have wardrobes dedicated to Freeman’s Quay, a veritable fashion show with some flexing on the side.

Best for: Committed talent scouts.

 

Maiden Castle Gym

http://www.teamdurham.com/fitnesssupport/fitnesssuite/

Location 1/5. The journey is an epic, not for the feeble hearted.

Price 5/5. £40 per term, £100 for a full year. (free membership available for sport’s scholars and most first team athletes.)

Facilities 3/5. An apparent refurbishment over the summer was a case of less is more. The gym is still well-stocked, you won’t run out of muscles to train but the proximity of the machines means you sometimes feel part of an industrial Soviet work-out scheme, ‘for make arms bigger’.

Atmosphere 4/5. A sense of competition hangs in the air. The facilities are also used by the Durham prison inmates, but it’s not as if there are any blunt weapons in a gym.

Talent-Spotting 4/5. Nothing beats prison ass.

Best for: Gym Hounds.

Durham One- Curveball Season

The Sherminator

Curveball: A person you meet in the early weeks of university who appears to possess the necessary social skills and etiquette for you to reward them with a friendship but, upon closer investigation, you discover they are in fact dangerously abnormal. Tossing you the hand grenade of a companionship with the Charles Manson of Freshers.

Example of usage: That guy you were chatting with last night was a serious curveball. I saw him buying Scotch eggs and firewood at Tesco’s this morning.

The unique opportunity that university affords to reinvent oneself means that some students seize the occasion with both mitts to build a new persona. They do so in the beautiful knowledge that four months in a darkened attic, jacking off to the Sims can be re-imagined as a summer romance with elegant swathes of John Travolta.

Any re-branding campaign can be bolstered with investment in a gap year.  Volunteer and join up with the band of perfumed laborers as they tour Africa, digging holes and uploading Facebook photos. These people love nothing more than to sleep under the stars.All five of them.

Gap years are also well-suited if the character you possess is hollow and lifeless, like chrome Terminator balls. You can then simply plaster over any personal inadequacies with tales that have been milked from South American coke dens or table tennis in Bangkok. Yeah, they’ll like that.

Consider the gap year as curveball preseason, the real grafting starts at university. Here the curveball must earn the trust of their peers, often by engaging in extravagant acts of showmanship; dirty pints are often involved. Be wary of the curveball that uses chunder as social currency. Throwing up for the amusement of others ranks slightly above being a back-up dancer for Lil’ John on the scale of self-respect.

Curveballs base their research on popular media, trawling through episodes of Skins for pointers. As a result, expect them to be well-versed in skills such as pint-downing and flat cap maintenance. You might have the pleasure of meeting a curveball that chucks the text book out the window in favour of the big-game play. This high-risk strategy involves undertaking an act of such outright social rebellion that it demands the attention of their year, brushes with the law being a popular option. A night in a jail cell should be penciled into the CV of any prospective BNOC ( see Big Name On Campus, http://www.durhamone.co.uk/features/a-day-in-the-life-of-a-durham-bnoc/).

With all this re-branding under their belt, you might think it difficult to identify a curveball. Not if you know where to look. Facebook is the traditional testing ground. ‘Favorite quotes’ on the profile along the lines of “Is Egypt a continent?” and liking novelty Facebook pages such as ‘Calling your penis Ronaldinho cos it can lob Seamen from 40yds.’ All classic curveball behaviour.

Smoking out a curveball often requires efforts above and beyond the digital sphere. Do they bring their own condiments to the dining hall? Is their iTunes library composed of ‘Now’ compilations? Investigation people! A popular method of examination employed by students is playing the drinking game ‘I never’, but any curveball worth their salt will breeze straight through this.

Like a yeast infection, curveballs can be notoriously difficult to shake off. Outright rejection is the worst thing you can do; no one wants a potential Norman Bates with your photograph on their dartboard. When confronted with a curveball stay calm and simply dial the local pest control . I’ve met the Durham man, his shotgun’s loaded and he has a Fiat Punto parked outside. In other words,Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Bright Spark or Flash In The Plan

What does the future hold for 3D cinema?

With dwindling audiences and disappointing effects, doubts have been cast over the long-term prospects of revolutionary cinematic format, 3D. A recent survey by research firm Ipsos Mori suggested that people in 2010 were seven times more likely to see a 3D film over its 2D counterpart than today.

 

Cast a glance over recent box-office figures and this frank message may not come as a surprise. According to the ‘Economist’, 3D films’ share of US box-office revenue has decreased 20% from late 2010 to July this year. This despite the country’s addition of over 5,000 3D-enabled screens. The record-breaking box office hit, ‘Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2’, compounded any disappointment when it collected just 43% of its sales from 3D in the US. In comparison, 3D was responsible for over 80% of 2009 hit ‘Avatar’s’ grossing. Is the novelty wearing off for cinema’s latest plaything?

 

For one, directors have publically declared disillusionment with the technology. Batman rebooter Christopher Nolan has avoided including 3D in his highly anticipated finale ‘Dark Knight Rises’, claiming the technology might hinder the scale of the movie. At a press conference for the upcoming Tintin movie, maestro Steven Spielberg declared the format as “not for everybody” and suggested it was used by some directors as a commercial tool without understanding its different directional requirements. (We’re looking at you, Piranha 3D).

Or Should we say Piranha 3DD?

 

On top of this, various discomforts have been reported by many 3D audience members. A study by the California State University found that watching the format trebled the risk of eyestrain and headache. Much has been made of the nausea some 3D scenes induce. In the wrong hands, this technology could see a change in the role for popcorn buckets.

 

The killer blow has to be the audacious move of cinemas to ask audiences to wear plastic glasses for the whole movie. This being a general public who stubbornly expect machines to run their lives and bawl at the slightest technological inconvenience, such as two or less bars of Wi-Fi. You may as well ask them to cross into Hades then concede anything to the machine.

 

In some cases, 3D gives directors a mandate to discard traditional elements of a movie, such as plot, to focus on delivering the ‘full 3D experience’. Which, to paraphrase, means filming a continuous explosion for 90 minutes, throwing in the occasional strip of magnesium for dialect. The meek will not inherit the genre.

 

A repeat offender is Michael Bay who has approached the format with the childish glee of a pig rolling in s**t. The director serves up his personal brand of ‘Bayhem’ in the ‘Transformer’ trilogy. If you haven’t seen the films, the experience is similar to being frantically shown around a playroom by a kid tanked up on Soviet energy drinks. “Here’s my robots, and here’s my helicopters… wait, what was I saying?”

 

Repeat offender Michael Bay

Don’t start writing obituaries yet, is the message cinemas chains are eager to convey. After all investment has been heavy, with 1,065 3D-enabled screens reported in the UK at the beginning of 2011. Though 3D ticket sales have lagged, the higher prices have increased revenue. The USA box-office’s record-breaking haul of $4.4 billion this summer was attributed to the sale of the pricier 3D tickets.

 

If the USA is tiring of the technology then the Far-East is just becoming acquainted. Technology firm RealD recently signed a deal to bring 3D to 100 Chinese cinemas. That’s not to mention the success of Hong Kong bonk buster, ‘Sex and Zen: Extreme Ecstasy’. The “world’s first 3D erotic film” smashed opening day box office records in Hong Kong. Success with emerging markets, suggests 3D could still be in for a happy ending.

 

Before sending 3D to the gallows, it is worth considering its capabilities of reviving classic flicks. ‘Star Wars’, Top Gun’, ‘The Lion King’, and ‘Titanic’ have all been signed up for 3D-remakes. This provides an opportunity to bring the films to a new generation of audience, plus show me the person who doesn’t want to see Ewoks battle in 3-D.

 

The consistent issue hanging over 3D films is how the technology is used. While ‘Avatar’ shot the entire film in stereoscopic 3D to acclaimed effect, some films shoot normally before converting the footage post-production into 3D. An example being whey-face Jason Momoa’s take on ‘Conan the Barbarian’. We all know what happened there.

 

If directors tack 3D onto their film as a gimmick to increase its commercial appeal then the 3D effects will appear unnatural and ill-suited. Real success in 3D comes from a director who understands the technology and builds the film around its offerings. Spielberg’s upcoming ‘Adventures of Tintin’, which was shot entirely in 3D, will be the best post-Avatar indicator of 3D’s cinematic value. Eventually it is hoped that as the industry becomes more acquainted with the technology. Directional techniques will be developed and finally, in a purging act of self-flagellation, ‘Shark Night 3D’ will be criminalized.

The Sartorial Conman

A jaunt around some of New York’s most exclusive member’s clubs.

If you can escape the clutches of Manhattan’s commercial district- a tangled orgy of concrete, glass and steel, tempered by unfettered human ambition -then lower mid-town offers a brief moment of respite before flinging you back into the depths of the city. Here the sun’s rays, having no longer to contend with the invasive reach of New York’s sky scrapers, flood through the sky-line and bathe among the broad avenues.

Jutting out from it’s perch off Park Avenue and in the heart of Murray Hill, the Union League Club is a prestigious social club that boasts a gilded list of alumni including J.P. Morgan, Ulysses S. Grant, and Theodore Roosevelt. Robed in the candid American décor of early-twentieth century New York, the building’s earthen red façade is a timely reminder to the world that, “they make take our AAA credit rating, but they will never our Americanism!”

The Union League Club

Having being buffeted by such flag-waving machismo, presumably plucked straight from the timbers of the Bush family ranch, I made a subsequent discovery. The prestigious club stocked Johnson’s baby shampoo (which sincerely promised ‘no tears’) in its showers.

I am in possession of such an intimate knowledge of the Union League Club and other similar establishments because I have furnished my past month in New York conducting a social experiment. Drawing encouragement from the success of the world’s banking elite in evading significant retribution for the financial crisis, I concluded that we are bound by human nature rarely to question someone wearing a suit. After all, with some exceptions, they are usually correct with colour combinations.

Therefore armed with a dark blue pin-striped suit (and occasionally a briefcase, depending on my confidence levels), I have successfully strolled into some of New York’s most elite member’s clubs. The main perk being that the majority of these clubs have state-of-the-art facilities, including steam rooms, billiards tables and, in the case of the Union League Club, a golf simulator.

Breaching the clubs’ reception area, though, is a mere skirmish. From then on, your every movement and interaction must be governed by the chief priority of convincing members and staff that you are a fully-fledged member of the elitist establishment. The gleaming facilities at your fingertips are merely a third home, alongside that Upper-East penthouse and manor in the Hamptons.

Said Manor

Being among a herd of sliver Republican moustaches, I tended to stand out. As a result I took to painting myself as a flamboyant British aristocrat, in the mould of Oscar Wilde’s Algernon Moncrieff, to vault into the upper echelons of New York society.  My personal tale was one of shackled potential in rural Buckinghamshire that had driven me to cross the pond in a bid to unleash my creative beast (and wallet) upon the unsuspecting city.

I soon discovered that interactions with staff aided in smoothing the occasionally rough edges of the character. For example, to overcome the potentially awkward situation of being approached quizzically after making lavish use of the fitness equipment I merely brought the attack to the club’s employees; “Ahh “insert name on card here”, just hammered out 75 on the quadrilater, now that’s a p.b if I ever saw one. Am I right!” Accompany that with a pat on the shoulder and the club house is yours.

Conversations with members must be approached more cautiously. When the live stream of Fox News, radiating through the locker room, churned out a story of Tea Party member Christine O’Donnell allegedly practising witchcraft in her rebellious younger years (I guess it’s conservative Americans equivalent of listening to rap music), I had to suppress any laughter for fear that the Tea party had infiltrated the Union League. Perhaps by putting something in the drinks?

The Propaganda machine takes aim at Christine O' Donnell

When thrust into more intimate scenarios, such as the flabby depths of the steam room, it is advisable to preserve silence and escape, if the situation requires it, to your happy place. I once intruded on an elderly member who was going through what appeared to be some form of tantric workout on the marble benches. Through the coils of steam, I could make out his legs jutting at mathematically-implausible angles, and gyrating stubbornly. “Good amount of steam” offered the ghostly apparition in an eager New England accent. “Yep,” I replied “you can hardly see a thing”.

The beating heart of the club, and arguably American Republicanism, is to be found on the fourth floor and is aptly-named, ‘The President’s Room’. It houses a poker table, elegant leather couches and hums with exclusivity. My first and only visit to the room was greeted with the sight and smell of four stout middle-aged men with matching comb-overs. In a dense haze of cigar smoke, they were discussing voter turnout for the upcoming Presidential election beneath a portrait of Ronald Reagan, looking on approvingly. Upon my entrance, the group offered me a collective look as if I had just poured liquid shit into their whiskey glasses and a timely reminder that fictitious English aristocracy will only get you so far.

This clearly shook my hastily constructed pseudonym and, as I was leaving the club later, I heard a desperate shout snake after me, “Excuse me sir?” Needless to say, I have not been back since. After all, the Princeton Club is a leisurely stroll uptown.